We rode on in silence for a while. Eventually, when Ram wouldn't speak, I had to ask. "Do you think queen Kaikayi encourages the king to behave this way towards the eldest queen?"
"Mother Kaikayi is a peace-loving person. She would have liked to have married a man about her own age. She would have liked to be the first and only wife of her husband. She would have liked to have a loving family without all the intrigue. She didn't get any of that."
"She knew she could never be friends with mother Kausalya when she realised how insulted my mother felt by the king's behavior. So she concentrated all her attention on us children. All four of us brothers loved visiting her rooms. She would always have sweets ready for us. She would always make sure that our favourite dishes were made when we came over around meal-time. She always lent a sympathetic ear when we complained about our teachers. Children have a better judgement than adults. I know she loves her family, including my mother. She just doesn't see a way she can help her, though."
"So whose spies were you afraid of when you decided to bring us here?"
"These spies that I talk of, they do not have any particular loyalty. Whenever they see a family happy, they wonder what they can do to spoil their happiness. Can you say that such people are not present in the palace?"
"If we were overheard, they would have picked up fragments of our conversation, added some spice and presented it to any suitable target. I know because it has already happened once, or my mother and mother Kaikayi could have been friends."
Finally it was time to turn around. The rising sun had lent beautiful hues to the sky. And Ram's conversation had shown me new layers to the palace life. I understood Kausalya's pain and bewilderment. How it must have hurt to realise that her value to her husband was only while her beauty lasted! Perhaps this is the reason why women are so afraid of white hair, of wrinkles, of letting their true age show. This is the reason why they will go to any length, make any expense within their power to make age stop. I also realised what a huge weakness this was - it made us easy targets for flattery, it enabled any man to demolish our self-respect by pointing out our degrading body, it made us easy targets for cons who promised renewed youth, it also made us desperate for approval.
Or was it the other way around? Was it our desperate need for approval, at least from our family, that hurt us when this approval was not forthcoming? Should we strive to rise above this need, so that we cannot be used and discarded?
But then, again, what was family life without mutual respect and affection? Was it logical and fair to expect a partner to perform all their duties even when they are not loved and valued?
When I put this question to Ram, he replied,"The Grihastha ashram is meant for family life. This is not the time to 'rise above the need' to be loved. This is the time to indulge it."
"And it is not fair to expect someone to stay married to you even when you do not respect them. Our society presents us with numerous examples of women who martyr themselves taking care of their thankless husbands. Women who protest against maltreatment are portrayed as vamps, as being too forward. But I think it is the woman's choice whether she is willing to forgive or not, and I would respect her whatever she chose- whether she stayed quiet like my mother or sought satisfaction elsewhere like Ahilya."
"Ahilya was innocent", I replied hotly.
"She was in love with Indra as Indra was in love with her. She might not have realised it, or realised too late. Gautam's jealousy was not unfounded, but to be fair, he brought it upon himself by neglecting his wife for so long."
"But she didn't, you know, do that with him!"
He laughed. "That was her choice. Frankly, I would have held her guiltless even if she had 'you know, done that'."
I was glad he couldn't see me just then. I doubt whether he would have found the morning sky redder than my face!
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